If Happy Ever Afters Did Exist
by Yoshomika
Summary: A story of Love not meant to be. Sev n' Lily


Severus sat in the soft grass, the shade of the tree allowing him to see his notes clearly. The breeze felt good on such a warm Spring day, and his hair fluttered before resting in its original place. Not far off, Severus could see the flash of red that he knew all too well. He wanted to go and talk to her, but he didn't dare, not when she was with her friends. Besides, he had to study...

He felt a shiver go up his neck, and when he craned his head, he saw a group of boys he hated more than life at home. Potter and his gang. Jumping up, he stuffed his notes in his bag and made for the water's edge. Unfortunately, he wasn't quick enough. He wasn't surprised to see Potter striding towards him, nor the gleam in Pettigrew's eyes. He knew what was coming. Dropping his books and notes, he drew out his wand. It was instinctual, after the first few run-ins with the gang, he had learned many things. However, Potter knew to expect it too, being the instigator, and shouted.

"Expelliarmus!"

Severus tried to keep a hold on the wand, but it jerked from his grasp easily, flying too far away from him. Lurching for it, he braced himself for the spell, non-verbally concentrating. _Protego! _While the spell didn't hurt nearly as bad, and he was knocked down, Severus still had the wind knocked out of him. He looked around through bleary eyes. _Why don't they help me?_ he wondered. _I've never hurt any of them... I've even helped them with their schoolwork!_

"How'd the test go, Snivelly?" Potter mocked.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment!" Black hooted, sneering and circling with the other boy, wand also drawn. "I'll even bet there will be grease marks all over it. They won't be able to read a word!"

Humiliated, Severus struggled and tried to ignore the laughs. But he heard them. Potter's rich guffaws, Black's irritating chuckle and that irritating, shrill giggling from Pettigrew. Lupin alone did not laugh, though he was looking on, book still open. "You wait, Potter. Just you wait!"

"Wait for what?" Black crooned. "What are _you_ going to do? Wipe your nose on us?"

"Piss off Black!" Severus shouted, trying to rip himself from the ground. "Stupify! Reducto!" He was trying to concentrate, but wandless and in this state, he wasn't surprised nothing happened. "I'll bloody kill you Potter! I'll kill you!"

"Wash out your mouth," Potter sneered, his eyes dark with hate. "Scourgify!"

Severus coughed as his throat filled with soap and bubbles, and he tried to breathe it out, but more just burst forth. His vision blurred and he realized he was starting to choke. But a sweet voice distracted him. A sweet, angry voice.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

Severus watched Potter and Black look up, and Severus spit out the bubbles as the curse broke, coughing and sucking in air.

"All right, Evans?" Potter asked. His voice had changed, but the girl didn't seem to notice as she glared at him, not impressed at all.

"Leave him alone! What's he done to you?"

James laughed and ruffled his hair. "It's more the fact he exists, Evans, if you know what I mean..."

Several laughs again, but Lily Evans did not laugh. "You think you're _so_ funny, don't you? But you're just a arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. I said... Leave him alone!"

"I will if you go out with me Evans," Potter said with a sly smile. "Go on... go out with me and I'll never lay a wand of nod Snivelly again."

Severus, feeling the spell weaken, slowly crawled towards his wand, not wanting to be noticed. The last of the suds were wiped from his mouth and his eyes fixed on the black wand ahead of him.

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid!" Lily exclaimed.

Severus's heart fluttered, and he couldn't help but look to the beautiful, fierce girl standing up for him. He knew he loved her. He had since they were children, but...

"Bad luck Prongs," Black muttered before noticing Severus had moved. "Oi!"

Severus snarled and grabbed his wand, whipping it on Potter. _Sectumsempra!_ he thought hard. He was elated to see a flash of blood spurt from his face, but before he could react, he felt his leg jerk into the air. Shouting and trying to reach for the counter-curse, he was aware his robes dropping over his face. Furious, Severus did all he could to push his robes back up amidst the cheers and jeers for more.

"Let him down!"

"Certainly," James said, a haughty air to his words.

A moment later, Severus crashed to the ground. Ignoring the pain, like he had perfected, he scrambled to his feet, only to be hit by another spell from Black.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

Severus watched her draw her own wand and hold it up to the boys. They seemed nervous, but they played it cool.

"Oh Evans," Potter sighed. "Don't make me hex you!"

"Take the curse off him then!" Lily insisted.

A moment later Severus could move again, but this time, he shrank back.

"You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus," James muttered, tucking his wand back into his robes. "Come on boys, let's lose these two."

Severus turned from Lily, facing the tree. Reaching out for support, he clutched at the sharp bark and rested his forehead against it. He felt ill, humiliated, and angry...

"Are you okay, Sev?"

In a moment, all feeling were gone and all he knew was the sweet smile of Lily Evans, his childhood friend. "Thanks, for helping me."

She grinned and put her wand away, helping him pick up his books. "Oooh! I just _hate_ that James Potter. Strutting around like he owns the place. All because he's rich and his family has been going to Hogwarts for _years_! Well, who cares about a bully like him anyway?"

Severus hid his smile and took his bag from her with a quiet thanks. "Did you really mean that, Lily? That you'd rather date the squid?"

"Than Potter?" she asked, aghast. "Of course! He's miserable! I bet I could have a more intelligent conversation with a brick wall than Potter!"

Severus shouldered his bag and chuckled. "Well, you don't need to talk to walls, because I'm here."

Lily's green eyes shined as she looked at him. "Yes, and you'll continue to be here, won't you?"

He sighed and looked at the sky. "Always, Lily."

Lily laughed gaily and touched his shoulder. "Good, because I don't know what I'd do without you Sev."

"Oh you'd be fine," Severus insisted. "It's me who needs you Lily." The words just slipped out of his mouth so casually, but upon realizing what he'd said, his face turned bright red. "I mean, I'm hopeless without your help!"

"Not true!" Lily insisted, seeming not to notice. She'd seen him like this before and she was bright enough to know his feelings. "You're a brilliant wizard Sev! Your notes have saved me a couple of times! How do you think I got into Slughorn's club?"

Sev flushed deeper. "Notes are notes Lily, you have talent too!"

"Perhaps," she mumbled, running a hand through her hair. She stopped and caught his hand. "Oh Sev... just stop pretending! We both know how you feel!"

Severus was stricken dumb, but the fingers holding his hand felt so warm, and her voice was hushed. With no one around, having left after been deprived of their show, Severus knew they were truly alone. Gathering the courage he never knew he had, he grasped her hands in his. "Lily..."

She grinned, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. "Meet me tonight."

"Where?" he breathed, intoxicated by the scent of her. She smelled of pine trees under the floral aroma that had always clung to her.

"The unused classroom on the first floor," she said quickly, reaching up to tuck his hair behind his ear. "I'll be there at midnight."

"I'll be there," Severus promised, tracing her cheek with his thumb. Her smile lit his heart on fire, and he resisted the urge to just forget everything and kiss her. No, he'd bide his time... until they were alone.

"I'll see you then," Lily said, pulling away. With a quick smile, she turned and left him standing there, staring after her.

XXX

Severus stole through the dark corridor, keeping to the shadows and making absolutely positive nothing was about. Carefully, he unlocked the door to the room he was to meet Lily. He wanted to be early, to get there first... to be waiting for her as he had always waited for her. Thankfully the door opened soundlessly and he entered the silent, empty room. The desks and chairs were all piled against the wall, though it didn't take long to get two chairs and a desk out of the pile, set them up with summoned flowers, a candle and he set up some left over food he had saved from dinner. It wasn't a lot, just some fruit, bread, cheese and a bit of cold chicken. He didn't have anything to drink, and as he fretted whether or not it was too dangerous to sneak into the kitchen, he failed to realize the door had opened and a figure had stepped in.

"Sev?"

Severus whirled at the gruff voice, his wand raised and a curse on his lips. He froze when he saw Lily, staring at him wide-eyed. "Sorry..." he mumbled, ashamed and furious with himself, stashing his wand in his robes. "You startled me. It didn't sound like you and I wasn't paying attention and..." he let the sentence trail off and he pulled her chair out for her.

Lily sighed and removed her dark cloak, shooting him a tired smile. "Sorry, I've just had a long day, my throat is sore and I'm sleepy."

"You didn't have to come," Severus muttered, pushing in the seat as she sat. Sitting across from her, he his behind his fringe and berated himself mentally. He had almost _hurt_ her! His best friend! He had almost cursed her! In that moment he felt fear like none he'd ever felt before. Not at the hands of Potter or Black, not when his father hit him and his mother, not when he discovered he was different... a wizard. No, this was like being drowned in cold water. "I forgot drinks," he mumbled softly, taking out his wand slowly. Conjuring two crystal goblets, he set them down and muttered, tapping one, then the other.

"What is it Sev?" Lily asked, peering into the glasses.

"It's wine," Severus answered, blushing in the dim candlelight. "You don't have to drink it all, but it goes with the food so well..."

Lily picked up her goblet and brought it to her lips, smelling, then sipping it. She swished the liquid around in her mouth, through her teeth, swallowed and blew out so softly. "It tastes wonderful Sev, it's sweet!"

Severus blushed, but didn't smile as he tucked his wand away. "I'm glad you like it."

Lily giggled and reached for his hand. "So... you've waited all this time. Don't you have something to say?"

Severus was silent, unable to speak and almost lost in thought. He wanted to tell her, he wanted to say those words to her and have her say them back. They would kiss and it's be happily ever after. He'd read it in stories, in the books his mother read to him before bed. He wanted to hold her, to be able to take her hand in the hall if he wished... But he had almost hurt her. Almost cast a spell, on _HER_! What if someday he made a mistake? What if he had uttered those words in mistake? What if he hurt her?

"Sev?" Lily's voice was filled with concern and she leaned over the desk to brush his hair out of his face. "Sev, say something."

"I love you," he croaked, his nose stinging as his eyes filled with tears. "I love you Lily! So much! I have loved you since I met you... maybe even before."

Lily's emerald eyes lit up and she sighed. "I love you too Severus."

Severus jerked away and stood swiftly, knocking over his chair. He froze, hoping the noise wouldn't bring anybody running. He had hoped she'd reject him, laugh, say it was a joke, that this was a cruel prank Potter had put her up to... that he wasn't good enough.

"Sev? What's wrong?" Lily asked, concern etched all over her face.

Severus looked back at the face lit by moonlight from the window. He saw the quiet beauty that had pulled him towards her since they were children, he saw her worry, he saw her _love_. It broke his heart. "I have been waiting for this day all my life," he whispered, reaching his hand out to her.

Lily responded by taking his hand, squealing when he pulled her from her chair and into his arms. She smiled and rested her head on his chest as they began to slowly dance in no particular rhythm, no studied footsteps, to music only they could hear. "Why did it take you so long Sev?"

Severus didn't answer at first, but he pulled her closer and gripped her hand tighter. "I didn't tell you because... I was afraid it would ruin us. That I would just... be a friend. I thought... you'd find someone better than me."

Lily laughed. "There's no one like you Severus, better or not."

Severus smiled and kissed her soft, sweet-smelling hair. This was too nice... too good. And he relished it, because he knew it wouldn't last. He wouldn't let it. As much as he wanted her body to press against his for the rest of his life, he knew this could only be a perfect dream. However, as long as this dream lasted, he would enjoy it.

The dance came to an end and they stood in each others' arms, silent and still. She looked up, her green eyes met his black and his lips met hers. Soft, hesitant, and trembling, Severus Snape kissed Lily Evans, knowing it would be his last. A tear fell from his closed lids and he gasped as she kissed harder, giving her access to his mouth. He moaned and held her close, burning this moment into his memory for all time. He broke the kiss, his breath short and haggard, as if he'd been running the fastest he'd ever run, his heart pounding.

"We can't stay Sev," Lily whispered, her hands buried into his hair. "As much as I want to... I have to go."

"Go Lily," he breathed. "Don't let me get you in trouble."

She grinned, kissed his lips once more. "Tell me you love me, one more time."

"I love you," Severus said, meaning every word.

"Forever?" she asked, her eyes boring into his.

"Always."

She giggled and pulled away. "Tomorrow will be a different day, won't it?" she asked.

"Yes..." he said softly, his voice low. "Everything will be _very_ different." He watched her leave, smiled at her glance back, and then she was gone. He hung his head, sitting dejectedly in his chair staring at the remnants of their meal. He knew what he had to do and it tore at him. He didn't want to do it, but it had to be done! He had to protect her! He couldn't do that... not with Lucius hanging over his shoulder, not with Mulciber and Avery following Lucius' every order. If they knew she was his weakness, they'd threaten her to make him do what he wanted. He had to ruin this... This wasn't a fairytale, he wasn't a real prince... just a half-blood wizard living a dream. No... no happy ending for him... but his Princess would get her happy ending.

Drawing out a small, golden object out of his robes, he drained his goblet and threw it across the room. He enjoyed the sound of shattering, and with trembling fingers, he turned the Time-Turner.

XXX

He crashed to the ground, lying there for a moment before slowly crawling to his feet. He knew where he was, he knew what was coming next, and he readied himself for it.

"You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus," James muttered, tucking his wand back into his robes. "Come on boys, let's lose these two."

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!" Severus sneered. He saw the look on Lily's face, and he almost broke, but he kept his face hard, his eyes down and bit his tongue to keep from expressing anything. The pain calmed him, reminded him of his purpose.

"Fine," he heard her say, a chilly tone in her voice. "I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash your pants if I were you Snivellus."

Hearing her call him that, Severus wanted to gasp in pain, to change what he'd done, to go back to his fairytale. It was too late now. He had done what he swore he'd never do. He'd hurt her. He'd abused a magical item, broken rules, and broken his own heart to spare her.

"Apologize to Evans!" Potter shouted, shoving his wand in Severus's face.

"I don't want you to make him apologize!" Lily countered, turning towards the other boy. "You're just as bad as he is!"

"What?" James yelped, obviously taken aback, and lowered his wand. "I'd _never_ call you a – you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair," Lily continued, ignoring her best friend entirely, "because you think it looks cool like you've just gotten off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can – I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."

Severus hid his smile, though he beamed with joy in his head. He was glad then, that James had no chance at the girl he'd given up. When she walked away, he knew she'd never help him again... but he could at least convince her to be friends with him again. He'd always been good at that.

"Evans!" James shouted, looking after her. "Hey, EVANS!" But she didn't look back, her stride never slowing. "What is it with her?" said Potter.

Severus knew he meant to sound careless, but he knew from the expression that he was hurt, and offended. He smirked.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited, mate," said Sirius, eying Severus.

"Right," Potter growled, his eyes burning as he looked at Severus as well. "Right..." There was another flash of light, and Severus was once again hanging upside-down in the air.

"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"

Severus didn't care anymore, he didn't fight, didn't struggle, didn't make a sound. He simply allowed Potter to curse him, knowing he deserved it. He had done the right thing. He had helped Lily, and she'd never know it. No one would ever know... It was a tale that was all his. The Prince's Tale of Honor, Valor and Secrecy.

XXX

Waiting outside of the portrait of the Fat Lady, Severus stood, determined not to move. No prefect, professor, headmaster, or ghost would move him from this spot. He wouldn't move until Lily Evans came to talk to him. He just wanted to apologize, to tell her he didn't mean it, to explain that he was doing it for her own goo-

"You shouldn't be out here."

Severus looked up to her smoldering gaze. She was halfway out of the portrait, holding onto it as if she'd disappear back into it leaving him there forever.

"I just... came to apologize."

She huffed and walked out, closing the portrait behind her.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not interested," she snapped, glaring at him.

"I'm sorry!" Severus said more intensely. He hadn't imagined she wouldn't want to hear him out. They'd been friends forever! Surly, she'd forgive him for this!

"Save your breath!" she huffed, crossing her arms over her dressing robe. "I only came out here because Mary told me you threatened to sleep out here."

"I was!" Severus said. He'd have to explain quickly. "I didn't mean to call you a Mudblood, it just-"

"Slipped out?" she finished for him, her voice far from the sweet lilt he'd heard years before. "It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends – you see, you don't even deny it!"

Severus stood dumbfounded. He wanted to explain, but she was assuming things all wrong. The Slytherins that he had to be around when she wasn't there had taken a liking to him, to his talent, and he needed people to protect him from Potter... but even they couldn't be around all the time!

"You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be!" Lily continued. "You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"

Severus opened his mouth, but the sight of her venomous gaze stole all the word from his mouth. He closed it without speaking, floundering for words, and fighting with himself that this was a good thing.

"I can't pretend anymore," Lily said sadly. "You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

"No – listen, I didn't mean –" Severus tried, but he was cut off again. He couldn't explain without her interrupting.

"– to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?"

He struggled on the verge of speech, but with a contemptuous look she turned and climbed back through the portrait hole…

He was alone once more. She hadn't listened, she had just assumed the worst about him and left. She'd never listen to him again. A tear slipping down his cheek, he returned to the dungeons. It was where he belonged. The beast he was. Let her believe the worst about him. Let EVERYONE believe the worst. It was what he had wanted... right?

She was safe now. Safe from him. Safe from Malfoy, Mulciber, Avery... all his "Death Eater Friends". She'd move on now, find someone who loved her, someone who could protect her and make her happy. It wouldn't be him, and thankfully, it _wouldn't_ be Potter.

XXX

Lying covered in blood, Severus gathered his thoughts. He'd told Dumbledore he'd help Harry, he'd get him the information needed, and here he was... throat slit with his own spell, poison coursing through his body with every heart beat. A strange fumbling sound met his ears and he turned his head. Through his blurred vision he saw Potter kneeling over him. Blinking, he hissed and reached out to grab the boy's robes. He tried to speak, but found it difficult. Everything was difficult... He gurgled and forced out the words. "Take... it... take... it." He concentrated, summoning the memories he wanted the boy to have, keeping one very special memory to himself. One only he had seen and seemed like a distant dream to him.

Harry filled a conjured flask with the memories and felt Snape's hand fall from the cloth.

"Look...at...me..." Severus whispered. When those green eyes met his, on that face...the naturally crazy hair... Severus felt tired, but he saw her. He saw Lily and he wanted to speak, to say what he'd been harboring all these years. He couldn't speak, but he could hear his own voice in his head.

_I did it for you Lily... I let you go to find someone better. I never thought you'd pick... him." _


End file.
